


altogether unhappy

by badAquatic, orphan_account



Series: Trailerstuck [24]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Camping, Hermaphroditic Trolls, Illustrated, Implied or Off-stage Rape/Non-con, M/M, Night Terrors, Original Character(s), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Quadrant Vacillation, Road Trips, troll mating rituals sure are weird!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-16
Updated: 2013-05-16
Packaged: 2017-12-12 01:46:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/805714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badAquatic/pseuds/badAquatic, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tavros Nitram spends his summer free of Hanael's abuse, free of schoolwork, and free of his wheelchair.....so why is he so miserable? </p><p>Takes place during "do not go gentle into that goodnight" and "unseen corners".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. hurt things

**Author's Note:**

> "Let no one who loves be called altogether unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow."  
> — J.M. Barrie (The Little Minister)

**== >Tavros: Be flirtatious                                    **

AT: bUT YEAH I’D TOTALLY FUCK YOU,

GG: ew

AT: oH LIKE YOU’VE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT, }>:)

 

You are Tavros Nitram and you plan on spending your summer relaxing. Your last summer was so incredibly shitty and you’re making up for it by harassing Jade to your never-ending enjoyment. You lay on your daybed with Pumpkin snuggled on your pillow.  

 

GG: tavros, you need a kismesis.

AT: oH WHAT ARE YOU? lITTLE MISS QUADRANTS EXPERT?

GG: im not a troll but i can tell when youre getting antsy. and i know plenty about quadrants now.

AT: oNLY BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN READING THAT WEIRD WEBCOMIC, wHY DID YOU EVEN SUGGEST IT TO ME,

AT: iT MAKES NO SENSE AND WHATS UP WITH PEOPLE HAVING NO ARMS?

GG: theres a reason youll like it just wait :)

GG: you like fantasy dont you?

AT: tHERE ARE SO MANY TROLL CHARACTERS IN THIS THING, iSN’T THIS WRITTEN BY A HUMAN?

GG: theyre married to a ceruleanblood from what i read

AT: yOU ALWAYS HAD A THING FOR TROLLS, dO YOU SERIOUSLY WISH YOU WERE A TROLL, jADE?

GG: for the last time im not a geneshocker! i like my genes just the way they are thank you!! :P

GG: and youve been bugging everyone with your hormones. dont you have a boyfriend you should be pestering?

AT: dOESN’T MEAN i CAN’T HAVE A FLING,

GG: with a human? are you purposely trying to sabotage yourself?

AT: ,,,wHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

GG: your boyfriends an excon and most excons hate humans cause the njc court system is like eighty percent human

GG: have you even told gamzee that were friends?

 

You haven’t. You’ve sort of been avoiding that subject.

 

AT: iTS NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS WHO i’M FRIENDS WITH,

GG: tavros stop pretending okay? :(

AT: pRETENDING?

GG: even though you broke up with hanael youre still acting like a major butthead or trying to be tough when lets be honest youre not

AT: bULLSHIT, i’M PLENTY TOUGH,

GG: well youre brave like that time you did your animal mind thingy to that rabid dog that tried to eat me back in third grade :(

AT: pSIONICS DON’T WORK ON RABID ANIMALS,

AT: i JUST STARED IT DOWN AND WHACKED IT WITH A BASEBALL BAT,

AT: wHAT WAS IT GONNA DO? rECRIPPLE ME?

GG: i get that you can be brave but youre not this sort of brave or i think the better word is braggart

AT: tHE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

GG: loud and upfront now and it makes your bravery seem more fake

AT: yOU’RE SAYING i’M A COWARD,

GG: no im i dont think youre dealing with… reality well

AT: wHAT,,,

GG: tavros how dumb do you think i am? everyone knows hanael was a drug dealer and an asshole

GG: did he ever

GG: force you?

 

You look at the words and your stomach flips.

 

AT: fORCE ME INTO WHAT EXACTLY,,,

GG: yknow

GG: sex

 

Oh gods.

Is Jade asking if you were…

The bile rises in your throat. You can hear Hanael’s voice in your ears over the sound of pounding music; feel his fingers on your thigh. The fading bruises on your ribcage start to ache again.  

You make it to the bathroom on time, retching up dinner. This happens so often you’ve learned to time it. You wash out your mouth and return to see Jade’s lime green text fretting at you.

 

GG: tavros?

GG: tavros?

GG: are you okay? :(

AT: i’M FINE,

GG: what happened?

AT: sTOMACHE,

AT: hEAT STROKE,

AT: nO BIG DEAL OKAY,

GG: why not tell your mom about what happened with hanael?

AT: nO!

AT: fUCK NO,

GG: tavros, being assaulted is a big deal. you should tell someone.

GG: does gamzee know *everything* that happened?

AT: hE KNOWS ENOUGH, oKAY?!

 

Which is to say, you were brave enough to tell Gamzee about some of the humiliations you endured but too cowardly to admit you couldn’t smash your egg.

 

GG: tavros this isnt healthy :(

AT: jADE, i’M GETTING SCATTERSHOT SLEEP AS IS,

AT: i DON’T NEED YOUR FUCKING CONCERN MAKING IT WORSE SO FUCK OFF, oKAY?!

GG: tavros if you dont address what’s bothering you it’ll come to the surface in different ways

AT: i DON’T NEED HELP! i’M FINE! jUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

\--adiosToreador[AT] ceased trolling gardenGnostic[GG]!-—

 

You sit on your daybed, unmoving from the spot. You don’t care what Jade thinks. She’s just a human. It doesn’t matter if she’s been your best friend for years and you used to have a crush on her back in middle school.

You stay up all night grooming Pumpkin. She purrs while you undo the matted sections and knots. You snuggle the cat and continue reading Tithe. You’ve been considering picking up other novels in the same genre, maybe something by Troll Emma Bull or Troll Will Shetterly.

There is a knock at your window. You open it and your eyes widen.

“Holy shit. What happened to you? Did you get hit by a bus or attacked by wolves?” 

Gamzee’s voice is low and his eyes shrunken. He’s not in an arguing mood. “Let me the fuck in.”

You help the gangly purpleblood through your window. His face is bruised and his right eye swollen. Patches of his horn look rubbed raw and there are scrapes on his throat and arms. Gamzee flops on the daybed and Pumpkin hisses at her invaded space.

Gamzee glares at her, “Why do you still have this fucking bag of fur and fleas?”

“She doesn’t have fleas. I dusted her off.” Pumpkin growls and climbs into your lap. “So are you going to tell me what happened or…?”

“What’s it motherfucking look like?” Gamzee gently touches his bruised eye and winces. “Didn’t come here to fucking talk about it.”

You’ve only seen shades of Gamzee’s bad mood before, but something tells you this isn’t its final form. You put Pumpkin on the ground and walk to the door. “I’ll get the first aid kit. You’re not bleeding on my sheets.” 

Gamzee doesn’t say anything. You return with the first aid kit and set to work. Your time with Hanael and having your father being a medical doctor has taught you all you need to know about cuts and bruises. Gamzee’s silent the entire time. You won’t lie; there’s something sensual about bandaging up the bruised purpleblood. You fondly run your lips over a nasty scrape along his arm after your clean it.

Gamzee jerks his arm away. “Knock it the fuck off. I ain’t interested in being your bottom bitch.”

“What is your problem?” you grumble, “You’re acting like an ass.”

Gamzee growls, showing you his fangs. “Excuse me for being in a shitty mood after having my ass kicked in front of _everyone!_ What? Am I not fucking _good_ enough for you?”

You stare the purpleblood down, “No. For one thing Kurloz already has a matesprit and I’m pretty sure your father would break my robolegs. If I wanted to be with the _strongest_ coldblood I wouldn’t be with _you_. I’d be fucking my sweaty older brother instead.”

Gamzee flops onto the daybed with a growl. “Then that’s my motherfucking problem.”

You lay next to him. “…that came out wrong.”

Gamzee rolls over, showing you his back, “Whatever. You fucking said it.”

“Oh for fuck’s _sake._ ” You climb onto the large purpleblood. Gamzee growls as you force him to roll on to his back, “Gamzee. Look at me.”

Gamzee continues growling. You lean in close to the troll. “I don’t care if you’re the strongest or the tallest. I flush you because you helped me and didn’t want payment. You never forced me into anything. You treated me like a troll instead of an object to stick your bulge in.”

Gamzee’s eyes narrow. “Yeah, and you flinch whenever I try to top.”

You frown. “I don’t flinch.”

“Like hell you fucking don’t.”

Gamzee sits up and you fall back. The purpleblood hovers over you. “So you won’t flip the fuck out when I take you?”

You smile. “I didn’t freak out when you had your tongue down there before.”

Gamzee smirks and leans closer, kissing you. You open your mouth more, kissing him back. But just as quickly the purpleblood pulls away and lies down next to you.

“Not in the fucking mood.” he grunts, “Still pissed.”

“For losing?”

“For every fucking thing.” Gamzee holds up his arm and admires the stack of scars. “Brotherhood’s all I ever had. Now what in the shit am I supposed to do?”

“You could graduate.” Maybe go into construction or one of those union jobs. It’s hard work but you get a lot of benefits…”

“Whatever.” Gamzee grunts.

There’s no arguing with him when he’s in this mood. “How long you wanna stay?”

“Am I on a motherfucking time limit?”

“No, but I don’t live alone though. Have to work around that.”

“Think your butterfly Mom’ll throw me out by the horns?”

“Maybe, but I like you so I’ll try and butter him up.” You kiss him and frown, “Your greasepaint tastes weird.”

Gamzee yawns, “It’s old. I need to reapply in the morning.”

You might as well sleep; at least you have company that isn’t covered in fur. 

* * *

The room smells of your copper blood. You’re swaddled in blankets and your pelvis is numb. Gamzee helps you sit up, telling you that you did fine on the delivery. Piled up on blankets is a bronze egg and besides it… a cobalt one. The surface of the cobalt one splinters.

You can’t call the thing that crawls out of it a grub; not with that many legs and fanged mouths. The appalling slug snarls before savagely attacking the bronze egg. The cracking sound of the bronze egg echoes through your skull.

_“Godsdamnitfuck!_ ”

You sit up urgently, gulping air. You’re sweating, hearing only the sound of your heavy breathing and croaking frogs outside your window. Pumpkin sleeps on Gamzee’s leg while the purpleblood has his arms around your waist.

Gamzee’s grip intensifies. “The fuck is going on…?”  

“I…I uh…f-fuck…” Your stomach’s empty but it lurches anyways. “Bad dream. Very bad…dr-dream.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t remember.” you lie. “It was just… _bad_.”

“Those are the worst…” 

You’re too frightened to sleep on your own. You grab Pumpkin and stroke her fur until you can nod off.

 

Come morning Gamzee is still in your trailer. You don’t know where Rufioh is. It’s nice having your matesprit around. The bad mood is dispersing but it’s not gone completely. Gamzee seems smaller though; more slouched over than usual and flinching at your touch (especially the more intimate ones).

While the clown watches TV, you consult Nepeta on your new iHusk.

 

\--adiosToreador[AT] began trolling arsenicCatnip[AC]!--

AT: yO,

AC: ://< oh great it’s you

AC: >:33< *ac thinks the foolish fairyboy should know she is not a fan of his and thinks he should climb right back on the dirty clown’s bulge!*

AT: cONSIDERING YOU WERE CLIMBING ALL OVER THAT BEFORE i EVER WAS, yOU JUST INSULTED YOURSELF, fURRY,

AC: >:((< i’m not a furry!

AT: jURY’S STILL OUT ON THAT,

AC: >:((< what do you even want?! i’m busy!

AT: wHAT THE HELL HAPPENED WITH GAMZEE? hE’S IN A SHITTY MOOD AND HE’S FUCKING FLINCHING AT EVERYTHING,

AC: >:33< aww whats wrong? does the fairy boy wanna ride clown bulge and can’t?

 

You do, but that’s not the issue right now.

 

AT: sTOP STALLING,

AC: >:[[< stop being a jerk and i’ll tell you!

AT: nO PROMISES ON THE FIRST THING, cHICA,

AC: ://< you didn’t hear it from me but my dad and stupid clown got into it and gamz33 lost in a big way (cause my dad is awesome) so yeah he’s mad

AT: tHAT EXPLAINS A LOT,

AT: aNY IDEA OF HOW LONG HE’S GONNA STAY WITH ME?

AC: ://< how would i know how that sopor addled brain works?

AC: >:33< i bet he’s just there cause you’re smelling yummy now

AT: i’M NOT ON MY FUCKING HEAT CYCLE, aND i’M ON PILLS,

 

You have enough pills to last you well into next year and you’ve been monitoring your cycles out of habit.  

 

AC: >:33< birth control fails dumbass.

AT: mINE DOESN’T SO SHUT THE FUCK UP,

AC: >:33< even if they don’t fail you can still get excited and hormonal. birth control doesn’t smother your pheromones unless you have a masker.

AC: >:33< in some cases it makes them worse and they can get erratic like with aradia. her heat cycles ended up all over the place just before the pills failed.  

AT: i’M NOT FUCKING HORMONAL SO JUST FUCKING DROP IT, aLRIGHT?!

AC: >:33< testy, testy…

AT: sHUT THE FUCK UP!

AC: >:33< oh untwist your panties, bronzeslut.

AC: >:33< if you want the dumbass clown to fuck you, why don’t you try chirping?

AT: wHAT,,,,yOU MEAN,,,

AC: >:33< unless you forgot all about that.

 

Did you forget about chirping? No way. That was the only part of health class that was horribly embarrassing for everyone.

 

AT: nO WAY,

AC: ://< why not? he’s your matesprit

AT: tHAT’S FUCKING,,,eMBARASSING,,aND i,,dON’T WANT TO,,,

AC: >:33< cause chirping means you wuv him and want his grubs and want to snuggle til you’re old and grey?

AT: oH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP,

AC: >:33< well its true isn’t it?

AC: >:33< you want his dirty night clown grubs and thats why you’re getting all furrrustrated. you wanna chirp and summon him to your daybed for a fuckfest.

AT: gROSS! wHY DID I BOTHER TALKING TO YOU?!

AC: >:33< you know it’s true

 

\--adiosToreador[AT] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip[AC]--

 

You’re in a bad mood after that. You give Pumpkin another bath in the tub out in the yard and treat her mange. Gamzee stays inside and watches wrestling. Her looking like a drowned rat puts a smile on your face.

You’re less happy to see Jade approach you, wearing her work clothes and smelling of machine oil. 

“Early afternoon. You must have gotten off early.” you comment as you massage a salve into the antsy cat’s fur.

Jade keeps her distance. She’s never been a cat person. “I thought you were allergic to cats?”

“Years of hanging around Rose, who’s perpetually covered in cat hair, must have given me some sort of immunity.” Pumpkin mewls, trying to escape and you hold on tighter, “ _Stay still._ What do you want, Harley?”

“I just wanted to see how you were doing,” Jade says, “since the last time we talked you freaked out.”

“You kept pushing my buttons and I left. I wouldn’t call that a ‘freak out’.”

“I would.”

You roll your eyes, “What happened between Hanael and me is my business.”

“I’m not here to talk to you about that. I’m here to ask you a favor.”

“First, you annoy me about Hanael and now you want a favor.”

“I want you to help me look out for Rose. She’s been putting a lot of distance between herself and everyone else. I know you and her don’t really talk all that much but I’m worried about her.”

“What does it matter? People outgrow each other. Obviously, she wants to move on.”

“…I’m getting a bad feeling.”

You roll your eyes. “Not another ‘hunch’…”

Jade sticks out her bottom lip stubbornly. “Say what you will but my dreams always have a few grains of truth to them! Remember when I predicted you were going to get hit by a car?”

“We’ve had like twelve hit-and-runs in the past year in the Ninth Ward.”

“What about Karkat and Dave getting together? Or Terezi getting pregnant? Or Kankri getting sober? Or Cronus and Kankri breaking up?”

“NJC is responsible for the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country. Kankri was either going to get sober or die. Everyone knew Cronus and Kankri had a fake matespritship.”

“ _Tavros_!”

“ _What_?” You growl and remove the cigarette from your mouth, tapping off the ash that’s built up, “Harley, I got better things to do with my time than worry about your little dreams.”

Jade growls. Her words warble; the voice of someone who’s heartbroken and on the verge of tears. “You used to care about _everyone’s_ problems no matter how small. If that small part of you is gone too then… I don’t want to be your friend anymore.”

You try not to flinch as you look at Jade’s watery green eyes. “Jade…”

“You’ve just become an asshole like everyone else who lives here!”

She runs off before you can see her cry. You sit there, unable say or do anything. You sit there and feel like a colossal piece of shit for making her cry.

Things don’t improve when you see Rufioh descend from the sky. His boots are caked with mud.

“From one problem to another…” you sigh.

“What’s the clown doing here?” is Rufioh’s immediate question.

You sigh, “Rufioh..."

“He’s not moving in is he?” Rufioh says, his face hard, “Listen, I tolerated Hanael because he wasn’t in my space but this is pushing it, Tav. I told you I wouldn’t meddle with your quadrants on the grounds that they not be in my trailer. I’ve been avoiding him but I’m tired of it. This is _my_ trailer and _my_ home and I’m not going to share it with one of your boytoys.”

Your mother must be stealthier than you if he’s been avoiding Gamzee without so much as a comment from the clown. You sigh, “It’s… complicated. He doesn’t want to go back home…”

“Well too fucking bad. He’s supposed to be Kurloz’s problem, not mine _._ ”

“Isn’t Kurloz your moirail, Rufioh?”

“Just because he’s my moirail doesn’t mean I want his soporgrub kid brother in my home with _my son_!” Rufioh snarls, “You dated one hoodrat asshole who kicked the shit out of you and now you’re moving onto gang banging ex-cons?”

“Rufioh—”

“Where’s this shit going to stop, Tav? Are you trying to get yourself killed by one of these chucklefucks _—_ ”

“ _Rufioh_!” Rufioh shuts his mouth and returns to glaring. “It’s not what you think, okay? He’s my matesprit. I don’t want toss him out when he needs me. You should know what it’s like to have a flush. Right?” You look him in the eye. “You and Aunt Aranea’s ex?”

You’re not stupid. You’ve seen Porrim holding your father’s hand and standing a little too close at school functions.

Rufioh straightens his posture and walks to the back door. “He goes back to Kurloz. Tomorrow… or I’m throwing you _both_ out. You can hang out in the streets with him if you want but you’re not dragging that shit home.”  

You’re not sure if Rufioh will make good on his threat but you’re not going to tempt him. You’re not his precious little pupa anymore; you’re a stranger in his son’s skin.

You’re a stranger to everyone now. 

* * *

It’s way too fucking tense in the trailer with both Rufioh and Gamzee there, especially for a Friday afternoon. It reminds you of Hanael and his posse when they were on another gang’s turf; they’d get absurdly quiet and keep looking around for any signs of confrontation. You once sat on curb at three in the morning with them, watching them try to sell crystal while you did your best to ignore the sounds of a woman screaming for help in the next alley over. Eventually they gave up on screaming and started sobbing.

A loud sobbing that always echoes through your skull, reverberating into your dream.

“Tav.” Gamzee says.

“Mmm?” You scrub your eyes. You’re leaning against Gamzee, sitting on the couch. Rufioh is on the other side of Gamzee; the both of them as squished into his personal space as possible. 

“You alright?”

“Why would I not be alright?” you drone.

“Cause you’re motherfucking shaking.”

“I’m not shaking.” but you’re quivering pretty badly.

“Let’s just motherfucking go then.”

“I’m fine, Gamzee.”

He keeps pestering you until you cave in. You go out to the backyard and sit under a tree in the yard. It’s muggy outside.

“Where are we going to go?” you ask, “The beaches and swimming pools are crowded and so are the parks with people grilling.”

“Public swimming pools are shitty.” Gamzee snorts, “I got a better idea.”

“What exactly?”

You’re not sure you trust the smile that spreads across the purpleblood's face. He takes your hand and tugs you along. “Come on.”

“Gamzee—”  

“Tavbro. Just trust me.”

And what choice do you have but to do that? You owe your matesprit that much. 


	2. wild things

You go to the East End motels and immediately feel nervous. You can tell the Brotherhood has moved into the territory. You’re seeing a lot more clowns hanging around. Gamzee approaches a tricked out hovercar that you recognize immediately.

You look at your matesprit. “Hanael’s ride?”

Gamzee unlocks the car with a remote. “Not exactly a good idea to be driving the asshole’s car around but I figure we trash it.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Trash it?”

“Trash it.” Gamzee grins. “There’s a huge junkyard in Galina. I say we drive it there and trash the shit out of it. I’m friends with the guys there so we can take as long as we want. We sell this thing for scrap, use the cash to stay in a hotel, take a Pupa Pan bus back home.”

“Galina? That’s like what? Thirty minutes from Becquerel?”

“Sounds right.”

You look at the car. Hanel never let you ride in it, even for a drunken fuck. This car was his child. “Hanael sunk at least two grand into this car. And you want to take a road trip all the way to South New Jack to destroy the only thing he loved?”

“Yup.”

You’re grinning from ear to ear. “Let’s do it.” 

* * *

 

You get in Hanael’s car and the first thing you get is air fresheners because it stinks of his cheap cologne. You still have Hanael’s money from the cashbox so you stop off at your trailer to get that plus some blankets and pillows. You don’t know how long you’ll be out, but it gets cold at night in South New Jack. Your mother and aunt grew up in Galina so you know plenty about it. You stop by 7-11 and get snacks to last the hour and thirty minute drive plus slushies. 

“Wait, do you even have a license?” It doesn’t occur to you to ask Gamzee twenty minutes into your road trip.

Gamzee rolls his eyes, “Of course I do; I’m not the sort of motherfucking idiot to haul crystal and get caught cause my license is expired.”

“So you do deal.” Well that solves one mystery that’s been gnawing at you.

“Did. Shit sucked.”

“Seems like dealing made Hanael plenty of money.”

“Drug trade is too motherfucking risky and expensive. Need to make all sorts of deals and avoid the cops even more. Just easier to push forgeries and black market shit like meds. Pushing meds is less expensive.”

“So you learned to drive to help deal drugs?”

Gamzee frowns, “Halfway house I was in bordered Aniline End; deeper in Brotherhood territory. Everyone in that place was either a dealer or a user in recovery. I was gonna get involved one way or another.” He frowns more, “And I ain’t keen on drugs so I took to dealing.”

With Gamzee’s SAT status, things like soporin and other sopor-created derivatives probably make him anxious. You change the subject to something that’ll take your mind off your matesprit’s brain damage.

You drive past Galina’s quaint blue and green sign. After the last stock market crash, its mostly abandoned farms. The only business left is the junkyard, the massive biomass plant and solar plants. You heard on the news how the biomass and solar plants were in a bidding war over property.

Your eyes widen when you see a faded sign and surrounded by red-leaved trees. You nudge Gamzee. “Pull over here.”  

“What is it? Gotta piss?”

“No. I know this place.”

You get Gamzee to pull over and step out of the car. You push aside tangled vines off the sign, revealing the letters Greenvale Farms with an upside-down peace symbol. You get out your iHusk and take pictures of the sign.

Gamzee squints at the sign. “What sorta funky symbol is that?”

You smile. “It’s something my Mom drew when he was young. This is where he grew up with aunt Aranea.”

“Why’s it called ‘Greenvale’?”

“Well we’re on Greenvale Road.” You walk down the dirt road and see a farmhouse and barn twenty feet away.

Gamzee frowns, “You wanna stay here?”

“Why not?”

“There’s probably lusii around.”

You grin at your matesprit. “You scared of animals?”

“I’m scared of motherfucking _rabies_.”

You walk into where the dirt road is overtaken by weeds. You hear frogs croak loudly and smell pond scum; mosquitoes buzz in your face. “Where’s your sense of adventure?”

“We don’t all got animal psionics.”

You smirk, “Oh look at me. The big scary clown but I’m scared of _nature_.”

“I didn’t say that, asshole!”

“Did too!”

You take off running in direction of the farmhouse. Gamzee chases you and after three failed attempts, the purpleblood seizes your waist. He tackles you—taking you both down. You send up a family of grasshoppers from the sudden fall. You grunt, knees and elbows hitting the ground. You’re resting on all fours with Gamzee panting in your ear.

“Looks like you finally caught me…” you say, with a smirk.

“Looks like I did.” You feel the rub of Gamzee’s hips against your glute. “You want me to let you go, Tavbro?”

“No…” You trail your claw down his scarred arm. “…I always make good on my promises; even if I made them under different circumstances.”

“Could go back to the car if you want.”

“And what fun would that be?”

Gamzee chuckles and gives your glute a playful squeeze. He lets you go and you give him a strip tease. You take off the shirt first, then the shorts. You let him pull the boxers off of you, lying back on the grass. You can’t describe the feel of your bare skin on grass. He’s not immediate with fucking you. Gamzee would rarely miss an opportunity to lick your nook.

Gamzee rubs your bulge, licking his lips. “You sure about this?”

You look at him, prepared to give a quick answer...but the look he isn’t a look of playful lust like when you and Nepeta tease him. It’s focused; reading your body language for the slightest falter.

“I want to…” you insist, “I really want to and this is… so weird…”

The chirping noise that comes out of your throat is entirely involuntary. Gamzee immediately freezes and you cover your mouth.

“Uh, um,” you mutter before finally admitting in an embarrassed whisper, “… _shit._ ”

Gamzee gives you a wide grin that’d fit better on a crocodile with his overbite. He leans in close and kisses you. He tastes sugary from the Faygo he’s chugged the entire drive.

“You want me like _that_ , Tav…?”

You smirk and try to play it cool though your face must be turning bronze. “Yeah; I guess I want it bad enough...”

His bulge is cold but it’s not the first one you’ve had… just not anything at this size or under these circumstances. You must look nervous because Gamzee adds, “Tav, you gotta trust me, and if it hurts, you just fucking tell me.”

You give him a shaky, confidant smile. “I can handle it…”

“It ain’t about if you can handle it. It’s about if you _enjoy_ it.”

 _“I’m fine.”_ You growl.

Your brain is screaming at you for this; reminding you of the nerve damage.

The moment of penetration, you hold your breath. You move your hips, letting the bulge inch inside. For a minute it’s awkward slipping and sliding against each other, with the numb sensations of a key prodding around to find the locked notch. The bulge bumps and rubs against your nerves untouched by the surgery. Finally, it hits something and you feel a spark go off inside you, stirring something out of a dull coma. You dig your claws into Gamzee’s thigh, taking a deep breath.

“Faster.” you say, gulping air, “Go… _faster_.”

“I can definitely go _faster_.” Gamzee gasps.

Soon it’s like the clockwork with him pumping in and out of you. You dig your claws in deeper and the noise that comes out of your throat is loud and carnal. After Gamzee climaxes, all you hear is the wind between the grass and the rustling of dried leaves.

“Should pull out…” Gamzee says, “but I like being inside you so much…”

“I’m on pills.” You tilt your head. “What’s it feel like?”

“Warm; like sticking your bulge in fresh cooked bread.”

“That’s like the opposite of a romantic notion.” You raise an eyebrow. “Wait. Have you done that?”

Gamzee grins. “I was pretty pissed off.”

You sit up, laughing, “Remind me never to anger you and let you cook then.”

“Good thing I hate motherfucking cooking.”

You stand up and leave the area smelling like grass and sweat. You have sunlight until eight so you start exploring the rest of the area. The farmhouse is in average condition but vacant. The wallpaper is starting to fall down. The furniture is all gone, leaving only marks on the floorboards. The only thing that isn’t covered in dust is a metal folding chair sitting on the back porch.

You look at the chair. “Looks like someone was here recently.”

“Probably squatters. People out here are just as poor as we are.”

You look over at the uncared for orchard, the large pond, and the miles of tall grass. “There’s no people out here. It’s a mile between you and your neighbor.” You look over at your matesprit. “Nothing like the city, huh?”

“Not at all.” He smirks, “You wanna be a shirtless hillbilly like your Momma?”

You rub the back of your neck, “I hate the city. It’s fucking disgusting. I like the fresh air and seeing _healthy_ animals.” You stand up. “And I like seeing the color of the sky instead of smog.”

“Wish you were a farm boy?”

You stand up. “Maybe, but it doesn’t matter now. Private farming is dead in the UTC unless you have a specialty. If you want to farm, you have to hook up with a calorie company.”

You go to the orchard with its tall red trees in full bloom. Gamzee stands in the shade as you pick up red seeds that have dropped on the ground.

“We should take some back home.” you say, “Aunt Aranea would like it and she’ll probably be less pissed at me for what we did to her couch.”

“What are the red seeds for?”

“Food. You boil them with sugar and can make them into a sweet paste. Humans really like them.”

“But its troll food.” Gamzee says and its sounds like a growl.

“When the humans came to New Earth, certain things wouldn’t grow normally but Alternian plants thrived. East Beforans used red seeds the same way Old Earth humans used azuki beans. They’re pretty similar.” You shrug, “Humans are adapters. They eat whatever they want and change with their setting. Why do you think they all used to come in different colors instead of just the uniform brown?”

Gamzee is silent. You look over your shoulder and see he’s giving you a squinting skeptical look.

“What?”

“You know a lot about humans.”

“We share the planet with that so I figure I should learn about them.” Gamzee is still glaring at you. “ _What_?”

“…nothing.” He says after a long pause.

You open a side pocket on your sylladex (or ‘messenger bag’ if you’re a boring Mainlander) and start scooping seeds in.

“Don’t bullshit me.” you say, “You have a problem with Jade and me being friends.”

“You’re right I have a motherfucking problem. I don’t motherfucking like _apes_. Shouldn’t trust ‘em as far as you can throw ‘em.”

“Jade might be human but she’s okay with trolls.”

“That’s what they all say!” Gamzee snarls, “Then you fuck up once and those motherfuckers decide you need to be locked up like an animal!”

You stand up, “And I say there’s prejudiced humans just like there's prejudiced trolls and we all need to learn to get along. Jade is my friend, so deal with it.”

He grabs your shoulder and pulls you close to him. The red veins in his eyes are more obvious with irritation. He hisses, “I don’t motherfucking _like it._ _And I don’t like my matesprit hugging up on some ape bitch.”_

You stare him down and then you show him your teeth. You give a loud snarl, “I may be your matesprit but I am my own troll. If I wanted some asshole pushing me around, I would have stayed with the one I was originally _with_. I will do as _I fucking want without your fucking permission!_ ”

He wasn’t expecting that and he looks sour and agitated all over again.

“If I let you treat me like that you know you wouldn’t respect me anymore. I’d just be some simpering weakling. That’s not what I want or what _you want._ ”

Gamzee grinds his teeth. “Whatever. Go ahead and be fucking friends with the ape but don’t say I didn’t fucking warn you when they fucking bite you in the ass.”

“Gamzee.” 

“I don’t want them to take you away from me!”

_“Gamzee…”_

His claws are digging in your shoulders. A bit more pressure and he could dislocate them. His eyes are wide. There’s mounting anxiety and genuine fear on his face. You move close to him, feeling his breathing increase.  

“They’re gonna take you away or put me away again…” he whispers, “…and I ain’t never gonna see you again and you’ll die waiting for me…”

He is as pathetic and vulnerable as you are and he bares the same old wounds you've carried all your life. It makes your heart flutter and you realize, in that moment, that there is no one else you love or pity more than him.

“Fuck no.” you growl, “No one’s going to take me from you. I’ll kill them before that happens.”

Gods, you wish you were his moirail. This comfort is too close to pale and you have no interest in flipping or bleeding quadrants.

“No one will ever take you from me…” you whisper, kissing him, your comforts less pale.

He kisses you back slowly and then he gets far less pale when you start making out. You let him fuck you against the one of the trees. You’re alone in every direction except for the animals and insects. Afterwards, you’re able to get him to cooperate gathering plenty of red seeds. 

* * *

When its evening you don’t stay out long since the mosquitoes are out in force. You park the car near the large pond and watch the fireflies waltz. You also ruin Hanael’s back seat with your genetic fluids and it gives you a deep satisfaction to do so with Gamzee. It has to be close to eleven o’ clock when you finally stop having sex. You lay on the back seat, wrapped up in a blanket with Gamzee purring in your ear. It’s the best Friday night you could’ve had.

“Are you sure you’re not in heat?” you ask him.

“Can’t really tell until it happens. Its subtle with highbloods; like you feel something and then it’s there and then it’s gone.”  

“You’re really abusing my pills.” You chuckle, “That little lime pill is gonna look at all the genetic fluids in my egg sack and say ‘What in the shit am I supposed to do?’”

You hear the purring falter. “It’ll still work right? I mean. Shit. I flush you and everything but I _really_ don’t want a fucking kit gnawing my ankles right now.”

You laugh, “Oh my gods. It was a _joke_ , you doofus. The pills always work. Hanael made me pop them like crazy and I never even had a scare.”

“Where’d he get that shit from?”

“It’s the good stuff you can only get from a doctor; must’ve gotten it off the black market or using a fake prescription pad.”

“Does it suck being on them?”

“Not as bad as you think it is. I just have to remind myself to take it unless I want to deal with an egg, which I definitely don’t want.”

“That’s cause you were with that asshole. Nobody wants that fucker reproducing.”

That comment dregs up a lot of unwanted feelings about the topic. You remember your first egg very well. You had no choice. You had to give it up. Maybe someone did what you couldn’t and smashed it. You can’t imagine yourself being a good mother.

But this time you have an actual matesprit. Still, he’s an ex-con. He probably couldn’t get a steady job to support any of you. If you had a kid; which you don’t.

You watch the fireflies. “I used to think they were fairies,” you say, “and if you could catch one, they’d teach me to fly.”

“Used to do that all the time back at Amethyst; when I was small. We weren’t allowed toys in our cells...”

“And sometimes I would pretend I was a monster prince and my father was the king; we would rule our monster kingdom and no one would ever cross us or we’d eat them… 

“And sometimes I would pretend my father was the greatest samurai in the empire and he was the Condesce’s decapitator and he cut off the heads of a hundred and thirty-one lords. And he was afraid of no one, not even the Condesce…”

“You had quite the imagination.”

“It wasn’t always good pretending.” His voice dips lower, lower than a whisper, “It would get bad too…”

“Bad too?”

“…sometimes I would just be alone in the world knowing that I fucked everything up, and that I wasn’t unhappy but I was still motherfucking crying because I missed people. They died and I couldn’t stop ‘em and couldn’t go with ‘em. They’d leave me and I’d love ‘em more… and I realized I was a motherfucking idiot and what I dreaded the most was being so _mothefucking_ _alone_ and wanting to go with them _._ And then I would realize there are so many beautiful motherfucking _things_ in the world that I’d have to leave behind and didn’t _want to_ … and I didn’t want to _do that._ I wanted to see every motherfucking miracle the universe had to offer and I couldn’t cause at the end of the day and in the end, I’m just a really small piece of the big big universe…”

“We’re all small compared to the universe.” you whisper.

He doesn’t say anything. You don’t kiss him but you hold him close. His face is wet. You know he needs a moirail, but you’re all he’s got. You hold him and hear the smattering of warm summer rain on the roof of the car, letting that ease you into sleep. 


	3. lost things

Early the next morning you drive to the junkyard. Gamzee’s more than happy to see the junkyard owner, a lavenderblood with broken teeth. He sizes up the car for parts and it takes the other workers only an hour to get what they want, namely the engine, the transmissions, and the tires. At least you get paid for the parts you give them.

After that you get to destroy it with an aluminum bat and have it dropped in a crushing machine. It’s incredibly cathartic to watch it be destroyed.

“And there goes the last of Hanael Gilpin.” you conclude.

You eat breakfast with the junkyard crew. They’re all ex-cons or immigrants who speak broken English; all tattooed and coldblooded. They’re good cooks though and you’ve never had a Shongolian breakfast before (meat dumplings, curd rice, tea, and flatbread). You get an occasional leer but you’re safe as long as you stay close to Gamzee. You might be bold but you wouldn’t past these guys to try feeling you up if you don’t make your quadrants obvious.

The guys are nice enough to drop you off at the nearest bus station thirty minutes away. You ride the Pupa Pan Bus home, watching the scenery pass you by. 

* * *

 

You go back to New Jack City but it’s not the same. You pretty much went to Neverland and returned to your shitty reality of urban crowding and car exhaust. Whoever said there’s no place like home needs to be socked in the jaw. 

When you go back to trailer park, you know you have to separate but it’s harder than you expected. The kiss goodbye is the worst thing; it’s needier and his tongue is deep inside your mouth. Gamzee walks away from you, looking torn between smiling sadly because you can’t be in the same space and smirking about how intense the kiss was.

It’s horribly embarrassing. In retrospect, all of yesterday was embarrassing—the chirping, the constant sex, the romantic confessions, the sleeping in the car like two strange long horned hobos in love. Gods, you’re lucky no one was around to see any of that. You’d die of shame.  

You head inside the trailer to find Rufioh sleeping on the couch. You take your birth control. Ten minutes later you get anxious and take a pregnancy test. Its negative, thank gods. You put out food for Pumpkin but she doesn’t come. In fact, you haven’t seen tail nor slightly-less-mangy head of the cat once you returned.

“Rufioh.” you say.

“Mmm?” Rufioh gives a tired mutter and rolls over.

“Rufioh, have you seen Pumpkin?”

“It’s your cat or whatever, Tav…” Rufioh mutters.

 _“Rufioh._ ”

 _“She’s not my fucking cat.”_ he growls, “She’s a stray, Tav. They come back if they’re hungry and stay where they’re fed.”

“Did you at least feed her?”

“Not. My. _Fucking_. Cat.”

“All you had to do was feed her!” you say, frustrated.

Rufioh sits up, “If you’re so fucking unhappy here you can just take off to the streets!”

That makes you shirk back. “W-what’s _your_ problem?” you stammer.

“My problem? _My problem?!_ My problem is that I have fucking hoodrat son! He takes off randomly, doesn’t call, and is just… _an ungrateful little shit after everything I have fucking done for him!_ ”

You back away from him. “I-I didn’t…”

“ _What’s stopping you now, huh? What’s stopping from fucking leaving and never coming back?_ ”

You were always prepared to fight with Rufioh and now that the moment’s happened, you’re paralyzed. You’re too cowardly to say anything. You run out of the trailer in tears. 

* * *

You have no idea where you’re going. You’re a miserable coward. You can’t go to Gamzee; he’d want to fight Rufioh for upsetting you. You don’t want to go to Terezi, who has her own problems.

You want Pumpkin back.

You can’t track an animal easily. You’re not your grandfather or your father. You end up going back to the vacant lot looking for Pumpkin, calling her name but you realize a minute later how futile that is. A cat doesn’t even come when called in its home. Why would it come now?

You leave  the vacant lot. It starts to sprinkle summer rain despite the noon sun being bright and shining. You get more lost than you intended, wandering into neighborhoods with questionable signs and people shouting in Nehetalian. You stop under a tree at a small park wedged among the crowded homes and try to collect your thoughts.

You want to go home and you can’t. You want to tell Rufioh what happened and you can’t. You couldn’t even protect your egg so you abandoned it. You want to smoke and you don’t have any cigarettes on you. Great. This couldn’t possibly get worse.

“Hey, mister.”

You look up and see a small troll kit looking at you. He can’t be more than a year old. Not too far from him is a white carapace is a yellow and orange sundress and pink headscarf. She may be small but from the glare she's giving you, she'll hurt you if you harm this kit apparently. The little troll is holding a cardboard box and wearing a dapper suit. His horns are long like yours and split off at the tips, curving like Vriska’s. He has her smooth black hair like spun silk. He has your face and eyes.  

“Are you drunk?” he asks.

You blink, staring at the little troll. “Uh, no…”

“High? There’s a sobriety clinic not too far from here. Do you need help getting there?”

“ _No_.” you grumble.  

He tilts his head. “Are you a homeless then? You look like you showered but you can never be _too_ _sure_ with hobos.”

“I’m not a hobo.” You mutter, wondering if you were this nosy and yet adorable as a kit. “I’m… looking for my cat Pumpkin. Have you seen her? She’s got orange fur and has three eyes.”

“Like this?” The small troll shows you the contents of his cardboard box; Pumpkin is sleeping in it without a care. The kit mutters, “My friend and I found her near some garbage yesterday. She was hungry and…I was gonna take her to a lady who knows about animals…”

You can tell the kit is trying to hide his disappointment. He was probably like you and always wanted a pet. The kit smiles. “I guess if it makes you happy, she should go back with you.”

If you were this precious as a kid, no wonder Rufioh spoiled you.

“No.” you say, “You keep her.”

His face lights up. “Really?”

You smile. “Give her a good home, kid.”

“Thanks!” He grins, showing he even has your overbite.

“Have fun, kid. You too, Pumpkin.”

Pumpkin yawns. You wave goodbye and walk in direction of home.

You didn’t think you could ever give up Pumpkin. You loved having her around but honestly? You didn’t really need her and like Rufioh said, she was bound to move on. You know you’re not the same kit before but seeing the kid’s face reminds you of what you used to be. You have come a long way. You’ve got to learn to walk on your own. And that you could be brave when you needed to be.

You walk back to your trailer. Rufioh is sitting on the couch, on the phone. Your heart is thundering in your chest. Your hands are clammy. He glances at you and then rolls his eyes.

“Oh. It’s _you_. Came back from running ar—”

“I got knocked up last summer and Hanael blackmailed and raped me.” you blurt out.

Rufioh stares at you. Slowly, his eyes widen.

“I was afraid to tell you…” you whisper. “…I was afraid to tell you _everything_ …”

Rufioh drops the phone and stands. He pulls you into a hug before you can say anything else. You let him hold you for the rest of the night while you admit to every single thing from last summer leading up to now.

It’s a long night. 


End file.
